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Sonja Brownlee, MD.
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Last Updated 3/2011
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Temper Tantrums
Temper Tantrums are inevitable and a normal, even healthy, way for your toddler to deal with conflict at this age (12-30 months old). Your toddler believes that the world does revolve around him! S/he is trying hard to be independent, and you want this also. Yet every now and then, when s/he is trying to do something s/he really wants to do, you pull him away or ask him to do something else. S/he can’t understand why, nor can s/he tell you verbally how upset s/he is. The only way to tell you is to act out. A tantrum can vary from pouting to full-blown falling on the floor and kicking, fist-pounding, screaming, and even breath-holding.
Tantrums are a loss of control. The more you interact, often the worse they get. Your toddler needs time and space to calm down. Leave the room or put your child in timeout – calmly. Do not try to reason with or bribe, and certainly don’t give in to demands! Give your toddler time to gain control on her own. This is harder when a tantrum occurs away from home. Your own embarrassment makes it harder to keep your own cool. But try to calmly carry your toddler to a rest room or out to the car and let her calm before returning to what you were doing.
When a tantrum or timeout is over, don’t dwell on it. Comfort may be given, but any original demands your child had should not be fulfilled. If a request from you had initially triggered the outburst, calmly repeat your request. Remain composed and determined; your toddler will learn that acting out is a waste of time
Preventing Temper Tantrums
You have several advantages over your child. First of all because you know that there will be conflicts between you (you can probably even predict many of the issues that are likely to spark them), you can plan ahead to prevent friction as much as possible (regular routines, consistent expectations, etc).
Here are some more ideas:
- When you need your toddler to do something, use a friendly tone of voice and phrase your request as direction not as a bossy command and not as a request that implies choice. Rather than a demand: “Put your toys away now;” or a plea: “Would you like to put your toys away now?” Try, “It’s time to clean up, let’s see how quick we can put all the toys on the shelf.”
- Don’t over-react when your toddler says no. S/he may automatically say no to any request or instruction. S/he’ll even say no to ice cream at this age! What s/he really means is something like “I’d like to be in control here, so I’ll say no until I think it through or until I see if you’re serious.” Instead of jumping on him, answer the hidden challenge by repeating your request calmly and clearly.
- Choose your battles. S/he won’t often throw a tantrum unless you push him first, so don’t push unless it’s important: keeping safely buckled into the car seat while the car is moving is a priority; making him eat his peas before his applesauce is not. So, while your toddler is saying no to everything all day long, you should be saying no only the few times a day when it’s necessary.
- Don’t offer choices where none exist. Issues like bathing, meals and bedtime are non-negotiable. Don’t ask him if he wants to take a bath or eat a snack. Announce what needs to be done with a friendly tone of voice, give direction on how to get it done, offer to help, etc.
- Don’t make deals. S/he doesn’t deserve an extra cookie or a trip to the park for cooperating with your requests. Bribery will only teach him to break the rule whenever you forget to give the reward. And it also helps your toddler develop great manipulative and bargaining skills!
- Do offer limited choices whenever possible. Let your toddler decide which pajamas to wear, which story to read, which toys to play with. If you encourage his independence in these areas, s/he’ll be more likely to comply when it counts.
- Avoid situations that you know will trigger a tantrum. If s/he always makes a scene in the grocery store, arrange to leave him with a sitter the next few times you go shopping. If one of her playmates always seems to get her keyed up and irritable, separate the children for a few days or weeks and see if the dynamics improve when they are older.
- Minimize the need to say NO by storing breakable items out of reach, covering the electrical outlets, etc.
- Use distraction: When frustration begins to mount, redirect your child to a less frustrating or more acceptable activity.
- Use words like “out of control” instead of “bad child” to describe tantrum-throwing behavior. Praise your child’s ability to regain control after a tantrum. You might say, “You did a good job of getting yourself under control or of calming down.”
- Notice and reward good behavior with praise and attention. Direct the praise toward the behavior: “I like how well you picked up your toys.” Not “you’re such a good child!” Even if you just sit with him while s/he looks at his books, your companionship shows your approval of this quiet activity.
- Keep your sense of humor. While it’s not a good idea to laugh at your toddler as s/he kicks and screams (it may prolong the performance and it definitely causes resentment), it can be very therapeutic to laugh and talk about it with friends or family members when your toddler is out of ear shot.
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