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Last Updated 1/2010
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Parenting
6 - 7 Month Old Baby
As baby becomes more mobile and inquisitive, s/he'll naturally become more assertive as well. This is wonderful for self-esteem and should be encouraged. When s/he wants to do something that is dangerous or disruptive, you'll need to take charge. For the first six months or so, distraction is the best method.
The main goal of discipline is to teach limits, so try to help baby understand exactly what s/he's doing wrong. If s/he is pulling your hair, calmly say "no", stop him/her, and redirect his/her attention to an acceptable activity. If baby is trying to touch or put something in his/her mouth that s/he shouldn't, avoid saying "Don't touch", because you do want to encourage touching or mouthing other things. Rather use exact phrases like "Don't eat leaves".
Baby is not old enough to misbehave intentionally, and won't understand if you punish him or raise your voice. So instead, remain calm, firm, consistent, and loving in your approach. If s/he learns now that you have the final word, it may make life more comfortable for both of you later on, when s/he naturally becomes more headstrong.
8 - 12 Month Old Baby
Your baby has a keen desire to explore. This can get him/her into trouble. Learning not to do something is a major first step toward self-control. You can help by firm, prompt, and consistent guidance. At 8-12 months, babies are easily distracted. Don't overuse "No." Try to redirect his/her attention to something s/he can play with. Save "No" for serious situations of real danger, like playing with electric cords. (Do childproof your house to minimize the No's). Be sure all caregivers are aware of the "rules" (keep them to a minimum) and react promptly and firmly, yet calmly. Baby has a short memory and repetition is necessary. Be sure to notice and respond to baby's good behavior, like hesitating before reaching for something "off limits". Acknowledge his/her restraint and tell how his/her behavior pleases you (avoid "Good Girl/Boy" & "Bad Boy/Girl").
Spoiling
8-12 month old babies have limited ability to manipulate. Their cries are for real needs; whether it's a cry of pain, or a cry of "I'm tired", or a cry of "I want you." Remember, baby's need for attention and affection is just as real as his/her need for food and clean diapers.
1 - 2 Year Old Toddlers
Discipline : Many people think of discipline as punishment, but the important aspect of discipline is love. Your love and respect will teach your child to care about others as well as him/herself. The self-control and consistency you show in helping your child learn how to behave will serve as a model for the self-discipline s/he develops as s/he grows. If you want your child to behave well, you need to act that way toward him/her. But, respect does not mean fear. Don’t be afraid to discipline your child. Have standards and expect them to be followed. Children are not always “happy” with their parents! Just remember, you are trying to raise a child into a capable, self-controlled, responsible, independent adult. And you have 18 or so years in which to do it!
Having a toddler is a humbling experience. You can guide your child and teach what is right, and that will work most of the time. But you can’t force your child to act exactly as you want. So face it: There are bound to be times when the unruly child everyone is staring at is yours!!
Toddlers have no idea what “good” and “bad” mean, nor do they understand rules. They simply act on the impulse of the moment. So, whether s/he’s running into the street our turning away from Grandma’s kiss, s/he’s not deliberately behaving badly, nor does this mean that you have failed as a parent. It takes years of firm, but gentle guidance before your child understands what you expect and has the self-control to meet those expectations.
Pleasing you is very important to your toddler, so praise and attention are powerful rewards that can motivate obedience to the reasonable rules you set. It’s important to have realistic expectations for your child’s behavior. They should reflect your child’s own temperament and personality, not your fantasies. Also, don’t pile on too many rules at a time. Establish some priorities and then build your list of rules gradually. First are limits that keep your child safe, as well as “no hitting, biting, and kicking.” Then move on to “nuisance” behaviors like screaming in public, writing on walls, removing clothes, etc.
It’s only fair to eliminate as many temptations as possible. Your child needs freedom to explore. Cluttering your house with “no-no’s” will limit freedom and cause more friction and frustration. So, while you can’t get rid of the oven, you can lock away the china and place your house plants out of reach. Don’t always just say “no”. Be ready to distract or redirect. Toddlers don’t always think of alternate solutions!
Try to keep daily routines as regular as possible. Toddlers need time to transition from one activity to the next. Also, irregular meals and naps stress your toddler with hunger and fatigue. Be prepared, think and plan ahead. Also, pay extra attention when your toddler is sick or in an unfamiliar setting (when s/he’s stressed). Another stressful time is when you first come home from work, or pick your toddler up from the sitters. Plan to give your toddler some attention first before rushing on to daily chores, like dinner, etc.
Despite all your attempts at prevention, your toddler will sometimes misbehave. Alert him/her with your facial expression and the displeased sound of your voice, then move him/her to a different place (distract, redirect). This may not always be enough and this is the time to decide on what other measures you may need to use. An important decision to make is to never resort to punishments that are abusive. A tap on a hand that is reaching for the stove, or a swat on the rear when they’ve run toward the street for the 2 nd or 3 rd time is not necessarily out of line. But berating, humiliating, name-calling, profanity, slapping, beating, starving, etc, children of any age is never appropriate.
The best way to deal with your misbehaving toddler is to isolate briefly. No attention. Not toys. No fun.
This strategy is “time out” and works like this:
- You’ve told your toddler not to open the oven door and you’ve redirected him/her, but s/he persists on returning to the oven door.
- Without raising your voice, say firmly, “No, Don’t open the oven door. You need a time out.” and pick him/her up with his/her back toward you.
- Take and put him/her in the playpen or the crib (empty it of all toys, etc) and leave the room.
- Wait 1-2 minutes, or until his/her crying subsides, before returning.
- Ask, “Why did you get a time out?” “Because you were opening the oven door, you are not to touch the oven door.”
- Let him down to play and go on with your day without resentment or anger.
The keys to this form of discipline (and to any other form) are consistency and calmness. As hard as it may be, try to respond immediately every time your child breaks an important rule, but don’t let your irritation get the better of you. When you do feel yourself losing your temper, take a few deep breaths, count to ten, and if possible, get someone else to watch your child while you leave the room. Remind yourself that you are older and should be wiser. You know that s/he’s not deliberately trying to annoy or embarrass you, so keep you own ego out of it. In the end, the more self-discipline you exercise, the more effective you’ll be.
If timeouts are not enough, consult your pediatrician.
Click here for more information on Temper Tantrums.
Some Golden Rules of Preschool Discipline
- Always encourage and reward good behavior, as well as punishing the bad. Whenever you have a choice, take the positive route.
- Map out rules that help your child learn to control his impulsiveness and behave well socially without impairing his drive for independence.
- Always keep your child's developmental level in mind when you set limits, and don't expect more than he's capable of achieving.
- Set the punishment to your child's developmental level. Time outs should be no longer than 5 minutes. Keep discussions simple and practical. Never use hypothetical statements such as "How would you like it if I did that to you?" No preschooler can understand this kind of reasoning.
- Don't change the rules or the punishments at random. That will only confuse your child. As s/he grows older, you will change rules, but explain this as you go.
- Make sure that all the adults in the house and other care givers agree to and understand the limits and punishments used for your child. Your child will quickly learn to play one adult against the other.
- Remember, you are a key role model for your child. The more evenhanded and controlled your behavior, the better your child will develop self-discipline.
4 Year Old Children
Discipline: You’re the parent: Be the Parent!
4 year olds are becoming more independent and have trouble handling their feelings of defiance. Your child may openly disobey family rules, talk back, or even swear at you. S/he’ll often behave badly just to annoy you. But, s/he will expect you to correct him/her and provide discipline, just as s/he expects you to protect from danger. You must teach what is and isn’t acceptable. The only way s/he’ll learn to set his/her own limits as s/he grows up is by having you set and enforce reasonable limits for him/her now.
As a toddler, your child acted out of curiosity, trying to find and test limits; as a 4 year old, s/he may be less innocent. S/he may not understand the emotions driving misbehavior, but s/he certainly realizes s/he’s breaking rules.
Help your child learn to express emotions through words instead of violent or obnoxious actions. This can be a test of skill and patience, but it is worth it. Time outs work well for 4 year olds because they know they’ve done something wrong and they understand that is why they’re being punished.
How to use Time Outs:
1. Explain the process to your child and the actions that will incur them.
2. Identify a time out place: a chair facing the wall in a hall, a laundry room, or an unoccupied room (without toys, TV, etc), and out of sight. Explain that 4 year olds are old enough to sit in time out without being restrained.
3. Give one warning to your child to stop the behavior.
4. When your child fails to heed the one warning, say, “Time Out” and send or take him or her immediately to the timeout area (do not yell, lecture, scold, or shame) and start a timer for 4 minutes.
5. Do not interact with your child in any way during the 4 minutes. If s/he is still crying or screaming when the timer goes off, remain calm and say only, “You’re not ready yet, you need more time.” And set it for another 4 minutes.
6. If s/he is calm and quiet when the timer goes off, ask him or her, “Why did you get a time out?” “Yes, because you did this or that.” “We don’t do that” “Are you ready to come out and behave?” (Remember, never say, “Because you are bad.”) Then go on with the day without resentment or anger.
Remember, discipline is not about punishment, exercising power over someone, or being mean; it is about training your child to control him or herself and to respect others by behaving in an appropriate manner.
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