Unless there is a real risk of abuse, children need time to be with both parents. Cutting short visitation time deprives children of essential parenting experiences.
Limiting phone or e-mail contact makes it difficult for children to maintain a long-term relationship. Parents should work out a schedule for when and how they can contact their children, one that avoids emotionally charged times like bedtime or dinner time.
Truthful answers to their questions about the divorce: Of course, parents may need to add more information as the child gets older or their own understanding of what happened becomes clearer, but parents should never have to retract a statement as a lie. Lying erodes trust and security. Parents may be concerned about sharing information about extramarital affairs, physical abuse, or addictions. However, children above 5 years of age almost always know what has been going on.
Also, avoid false reassurances. The temptation to tell children whatever will make them feel safe and secure is overwhelming, but empty reassurances always miss the mark. Children know that "nothing will change" or "you'll see just as much of Daddy as before," won't happen. Words like "always" or "I'll never leave you," are also suspect. After all, children know their parents made such promises to each other, so these words may no longer be as comforting as the parent wishes.
Relief from feelings of guilt and blame: Children of divorce almost all feel guilty or responsible for the divorce. This often leads to feelings of not being good enough, especially when one parent is less involved in the child's life after the divorce. The child often wonders, "What did I do that caused Mom or Dad not to want to be with me?" Children need to talk about why they feel at fault and how they think they caused the divorce.
Freedom from interparental hostility: Parents should make every effort to be civil to each other when around their children. Watching parents fight (verbal or physical) is traumatic. Even "behind closed doors" arguments upset children.
Criticizing or "badmouthing" the other parent puts the child "in the middle". Most children love both parents and want to continue to do so. Children who have to listen to one parent put down the other are no longer free to talk about their true feelings. Verbal attacks by one parent on the other assault the child's feelings of self-worth.
Parents' arguments about money make children feel unsafe and unprovided for. To help reduce money conflict, parents should try to hold off on a financial settlement until they have counted up what they spent on their children in the previous few years and have thought through the expenditures yet to come. Arguments about support checks and long-term responsibilities are not about winning and losing and retribution, but about their children's future.
Attention to their thoughts and feelings: Parent's who don't allow their children to express their criticism and anger over the divorce silence their children and put their relationship with them in jeopardy.
Input into the visitation schedule: Negotiating an acceptable schedule of visitation is one of the most difficult tasks of divorce. It is difficult to predict at the outset how life will evolve in the ensuing months. It is helpful to agree on a period of a year during which visitation patterns can be altered without setting a precedent for a final schedule. This can be written into the legal separation agreement.
Children have a viewpoint on visitation. This should not be ignored. Listening to what children would like is not the same as permitting them to make all the decisions. When children feel their wishes are discounted, they are more likely to continue oppositional behaviors rather than accept the difficulties split households involve.
Privacy in communication with family and friends: Children cope better with divorce when they have a broad support network. Parents should help maintain, and not interfere with, these connections to friends and extended family. Children should not be expected to be "spies". This puts them into a loyalty bind and is a significant cause of emotional distress.
Recognition of displacement by competing relationships: Parents need to recognize that the children's best interests may differ from their own. Recently divorced parents need to create a new social network. They may need to change jobs, or go out to work for the first time, or go back to school to acquire new skills. As necessary as this is, it can seriously interfere with the parent's availability to their children. It requires effort to realize this and strike a balance.
Parents' dating and sexual relationships are difficult for children to deal with. While the adult often needs this as part of their recovery process, they are not appropriate if displayed in front of an impressionable adolescent or child. Children may find them deeply upsetting, or they may mimic the parental behavior in very inappropriate ways. Children will be better off if parents confine their social and sexual explorations for the nights and weekends when children are away.
No requirement to parent their parents: Leaning on children for emotional support can make the child feel overburdened and inadequate for the task. Parents should avoid calling their child their "best buddy" or "the man of the house", etc. They are the parent and their child is a child.
Children should not be asked to bear adult responsibilities. Although they may need to increase their participation in chores in a single-parent household, they still need time for age-appropriate activities. There is a difference between a role that is helpful and one that makes the family over dependent on the child. Older siblings should not become primary disciplinarians or caretakers of younger siblings.
Freedom from the role of messenger between parents: Using children as messengers can put them in the middle of parental struggles about support checks or visitation arrangements. The middle is a painful position for anyone to be in, and children should not have to occupy it.
No coercion to keep secrets: Children should not be expected "not to tell" what they did or whom they met at their other home. This compromises communication with the parent to whom they are returning.
An understanding of the divorce agreement: Children often ask what the divorce agreement actually says. They know that it restricts their freedom, limits their financial resources, stifles flexibility, and causes friction between their parents. If told they can't see it or know what's in it, they often respond with withdrawal, anger, confusion, and hostility. It's best to read the document with them. Parents might want to agree on a short version that explains in plain English the time with each parent and arrangements for holidays and vacations, financial obligations, and provisions for their future.
