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Helping Children Deal with Death
- The Death of a Grandparent
- The Death of a Friend
The Death of a Grandparent
The most common and an important death that children experience is the death of a grandparent. This is a loss that is complicated by the suffering of the child's parents as well.
Parents should prepare a child for this event by commenting on the declining health of the grandparent: "Grandpa isn't strong enough to wrestle with you anymore," for example, or "Grandma sleeps all the time because she doesn't have the energy she used to." When children see that something is different or wrong, hiding information from them is confusing and frightening. After the age of 3, most children have learned from friends, stories, or television that people and pets can die. Even if they don't ask, they're probably wondering if their grandparent is going to die some day. Parents should address this issue as the problem evolves: "Grandpa is having trouble with his breathing, and we are feeling sad that he may die soon."
Parents also should help children find ways to bring aid and comfort to their grandparent, either at home or in the hospital, as he or she becomes progressively ill. Children like to feel part of the helping and grieving process. They might read books to the grandparent, sit with him watching television, or bring him food, especially if the child made it himself.
Finally, after the grandparent dies, parents should talk about the grandparent and use her name frequently. They should share stories and photographs so the child understands that even though Grandma died, the family still remembers her. Helping her child mourn the loss of the grandparent can be a challenging task for a parent who is mourning the profound loss of her own parent.
You do not need to hide your grief from your child. In fact, by expressing your grief in front of him, the child will learn how to mourn. At the same time, reassure your child that, even though you are upset and exhausted, you can still care for him.
The child can participate in religious or cultural rituals related to death and burial, although he should be old enough - about the age of 4 - to understand what is going on. One parent or another adult should be available to the child during any ritual at which a grieving parent may be unable to respond to him.
The way a child responds to a death cannot be categorized as good or bad. Depending on age and temperament, the response to significant illness or death varies.
For more information, refer to Talking to Children About Loss by Maria Trozzi.
Contemporary Pediatrics, Vol 18, No 8 Barry S. Zuckerman, MD, chief of pediatrics, Boston Medical Center
The Death of a Friend
Another person's death is always hard to bear, but the death of a friend is devastating. It shatters our assumptions about the world we live in and what we have come to expect from it. The death of a friend can feel very isolating to a child. Besides experiencing extreme loss, the child often feels that no one else has had this experience or can understand what he is feeling.
Books also help adults talk to children and adolescents about the difficult subject of grieving over the loss of a friend. Discussion can follow or, if the child won't talk about his feelings, he can certainly feel connected to the experience of someone else by reading about it.
The books described below can borrowed from the public library or purchased at a bookstore or through an online service such as amazon.com (some may be available by special order only).
Ages 12 and up:
Blackwater by Eve Bunting. New York, Harper Collins, 2000. A prank turns deadly and two 13 year olds die. One prankster covers up what really happened and the other goes along with it. Later, he must live with his guilt over having lied or tell the truth and accept the consequences.
Love Ya Like a Sister by Katie Ouriou. Toronto, Tundra Books, 1999. A true story from the author's life, the book tells of Katie, who lives in Paris with her family for a year. During that time, she exchanges letters and e-mail with her best friends. At age 16, after only a few days' illness, Katie died from a swift and rare form of leukemia. This book comprises Katie's journal entries, letters, and e-mails to friends and celebrates her life and friendships.
A Separate Peace by John Knowles. New York, MacMillan, 1960. This is a classic. The story of Gene and Phineas at prep school in 1942. Phineas is hurt in an accident, and Gene must deal with his guilt and feelings that he was responsible. Ultimately, he must grieve for Phineas.
A Time for Dancing by Davida Wills Hurwin. Boston; Little, Brown; 1997. Julie and Samantha have been friends since they met at dancing school at age 9. Now they are 17 and Julie is diagnoses with lymphoma. Julie and Samantha alternate narrating Julie's battle with cancer that leads, in the end, to her death.
When a Friend Dies: A Book for Teens about Grieving and Healing by Marilyn E. Gootman. Minneapolis, Free Spirit Press, 1994. This book speaks directly to teens about the death of a friend. Some sections are written by teens who tell how they have coped with events and feelings in their lives.
Ages 10-14:
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Patterson. New York, HarperCollins, 1987. Jesse and Leslie are friends, who together create Terabithia, an imaginary secret kingdom in the woods. Leslie dies suddenly in a tragic accident at the creek, and Jesse is overwhelmed by grief. Later, Jesse overcomes his loss when he memorializes Leslie in a special way.
Forever Friend by Candy Dawson Boyd. New York, Puffin Books, 1986. Toni's friend is killed when hit by a car. Toni is overwhelmed by grief and must cope with her loss. The book contains good descriptions of early adolescent grief and traditional African-American rituals.
Ages 8-12:
Dinah Forever by Claudia Mills. New York, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1995. Dinah, 12 years old, is friends with 83 year old Ruth. Dinah feels she can talk to Ruth about anything, including her poetry. When Ruth has a heart attack and dies, Dinah misses sharing all that is happening in her life. Dinah, asked to read one of her poems at the funeral, writes a special one for Ruth.
Flying Solo by Ralph Fletcher. New York, Clarion, 2000. After the death of her friend, 6th grader Rachel White refuses to speak, until one day when the teacher fails to arrive at school and the students run the class. Rachel speaks and reminds the class that today marks the 6 month anniversary of Tommy's death. As she helps the class share their memories of Tommy, she finds her voice again.
If Nathan Were Here by Mary Bahr: Eerdmans Books for Young Readers, Grand Rapids, Mich., 2000. Illustrated by Karen Jerome in soft watercolors, this book tells the story of a boy whose best friend, Nathan, has died. As he grieves, he remembers their times together.
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer. New York, Bantam Doubleday dell Publ., 1987. Joel's friend, Tony, dies by accidental drowning while playing and Joel must face his grief along with a terrible guilt.
A Taste of Blackberries by Doric Buchanan Smith. New York, Harper Collins, 1988. A young boy tells this story about his best friend, Jamie who dies from an allergic reaction to a bee sting while picking blackberries together. The narrator is shocked, and must learn to cope with his friend's death.
Ages 7-10:
Dorothy's Darkest Days by Judith Caseley. New York, Greenwillow, 1997. Dorothy's classmate is killed by a drunk driver one afternoon after Dorothy had an argument with her. Dorothy must deal with her feelings of grief and guilt, and is helped by her parents and teacher.
I Had a Friend Named Peter by Janice Cohn. New York, William Morrow and Co., 1987. Betsy's special friend, Peter, dies after being hit by a car. Betsy is comforted by her parents and teacher, who urge her to grieve and to remember. The book also provides information about children's grief for adults who read the story.
Ages 4-8:
Blow Me a Kiss, Miss Lilly by Nancy White Carlstrom. New York, Harper and Row, 1990. Sara loved to visit Miss Lilly, her elderly neighbor, and Miss Lilly's cat Snug. They told each other stories, worked in the garden, and made things together. Whenever they left each other, they would blow kisses. After Miss Lilly dies, Sara takes care of Snug and shares her memories of Miss Lilly with friends and family.
Bye, Mis' Lela by Dorothy Carter. New York, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1998. A beautifully illustrated book about an intergenerational relationship between Sugar Plum and Mis' Lela, the woman who takes care of Sugar Plum while her mother is at work. When Mis' Lela dies, Sugar Plum observes the customs of her family and community, attends her wake, and talks with her mother about death. Sugar Plum remembers all her times with Mis' Lela and realizes she always will have them with her.
Rudi's Pond by Eve Bunting. New York, Clarion, 1999. Rudi's best friend and classmates commemorate his death from a congenital heart defect. They build a beautiful pond in his memory and use the bird feeder Rudi helped them make to feed hummingbirds. Inspired by a true story.
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