Communication is not just talking and sharing information. Communication is understanding one another and learning about the others' thoughts and feelings. Communications is how you convey love, acceptance, respect, and approval to your child. The most important part of communication, and perhaps the most difficult to learn, is listening.
Communication is a way of sharing emotions and giving support. Families that communicate well share a full range of experiences-the happy and good parts of life and also sad times, problems, and their solutions. To be effective, you and your child must practice and develop skills together. Successful communication not only allows any topic or feeling to be shared, but it uses nonverbal as well as verbal ways of expressing oneself.
Most of us parents communicate with our own children the way our parents did with us. Listen to yourself. Try to remember what was positive and negative about your parents' style of communicating, and see if you can find echoes of that in your own style. You may need to train yourself to break old habits of poor listening and damaging criticism.
The way you communicate is part and parcel of what you communicate. Providing praise, for example, is not just saying words. It requires that you understand how your child thinks about him/herself and his/her behavior, and knowing when and in what way you can share with him/her your pride, so that s/he is best able to hear you and accept what you are trying to say.
Unfortunately, too many parents do a poor job of expressing acceptance. They may think If I tell my son that he is just fine the way he is, he won't be motivated to work harder and do better in life. But in fact, children do better once they feel relieved of the pressure of having to win their parents' approval. Rather than constantly judging and criticizing your child, let him/her know that you accept and love him/her. In turn, s/he will begin to like him/herself more, and his/her self-esteem will grow. You can also demonstrate your feelings in nonverbal ways through your body language: your facial expressions, hugs, and gestures.
Too often, parents choose ineffective, nonaccepting ways to communicate verbally with their children. They might give Commands: "You're going to do it as I say or else!"
Lecture: "When I was a boy, I had twice as many chores as you"
Preach: "You must never behave that way again" Or "It's not right to feel like that"
Criticize: "You are doing everything wrong today"
Belittle: "Someone your age should know better"
Ridicule: "You looked silly when you struck out"
Try to be positive and accepting in the way you talk with your child. Offer praise often and be as specific as you can: ("You did a wonderful job solving that difficult problem in your math homework tonight"). Let him/her know how much you appreciate him/her as s/he is, without his/her having to struggle to resemble your own preconceived notions of how you want him/her to be ("I was so proud just watching you run in the track meet today").
You can also demonstrate acceptance by not involving yourself in some of your child's activities. For example, if you just let him/her paint without giving advice on what colors to mix together, this will tell him/her that s/he is doing just fine on his/her own. Likewise, you can listen quietly to your child at times, without interjecting your own thoughts and comments that might contradict or correct.
Listening Skills: Active listening is the main part of communication. Using the following active listening skills will decrease the likelihood that you will be judgmental or critical, or will lecture or belittle. It will help your child get in touch with what s/he is really feeling and thinking, analyze it, and put it in perspective so that problems do not seem bigger than they really are. It will also build a bond between you and your child, and make him/her more receptive to what is on your mind.
Set aside time to listen. Block out distractions as much as possible. Some parents and children find they can communicate best just before bedtime or when they share an evening snack.
Put aside your own thoughts and viewpoints. Give your child your complete attention and try to put yourself in his/her place so you can better understand what s/he is experiencing. Make him/her feel that you value his/her thoughts and consider them important, and that you are sensitive to his/her point of view.
Listen to, summarize, and repeat back to your child the message you are hearing. This is called reflective listening. When appropriate, gently state what you think s/he may be trying to say. Don't just parrot what you hear, but go beneath the surface to what your child may be thinking and feeling. The underlying message may include your child's feelings, fears, or concerns. Name them ("It sounds to me as if you are scared . . sad . . angry . . happy").
Maintain eye contact while your child talks. Show your interest by nodding your head and occasionally give noncommittal responses like "Yes . . I see . . Oh . . How about that." This encourages him/her to keep talking.
Accept and show respect for what your child is expressing, even if it does not coincide with your own ideas and expectations. You can do this by paying attention to what your child is communicating, while not criticizing, judging, or interrupting.
Create opportunities for your child to solve the problems s/he may be facing. Encourage and guide. Ask him/her to bounce ideas off you, which might eventually suggest solutions to problems.
The process of active listening will help your child understand his/her feelings and be less afraid of the negative ones. It will build bridges and create warmth between you. It will also help him/her solve his/her own problems and gain more control over his/her behavior and emotions. And if your child sees you as an active listener, s/he'll be more willing to listen to you and to others.
When parents are active listeners, other people may describe them as having good intuition and as being "tuned in" to their children. You can also monitor how actively you are listening by watching for cues that you are not listening well. If you find yourself feeling bored by the conversation, distracted, looking around or away, or feeling rushed, or if you feel that you are wasting time, you are not listening actively.
Talking Techniques: As you talk to your child, try to make it a positive dialogue, rather than impose judgment or place blame. That usually means choosing "I" messages rather than "you" messages, especially when attempting to change or encourage certain behavior.
"I" messages are statements like "I sure have trouble finding things on my desk when it hasn't been straightened up by the last person who used it." "I need more quiet when I am trying to read." "Since I am so tired, I sure would like some help cleaning up the dinner dishes."
These "I" statements communicate the effect of a child's behavior or actions upon the parent and convey an honest feeling or message. And they are less threatening to a child than "you" messages. They also encourage a child to take responsibility for straightening up dad's desk or helping clean up the kitchen. They communicate trust - showing the parents' willingness to express their own feelings and their belief that their child will respond in a positive, responsible way. Children often readily assume more responsible roles if they are made aware of the situation and the feelings and needs of others.
By contrast, "you" messages are statements like "You should never do that." "You make me so angry." "Why don't you pay attention?" These messages are more child-focused and are more likely to create a struggle between you and your child, put a child on the defensive, encourage personal counter arguments, and discourage effective communication.
Even worse are the "put-down" messages that judge or criticize. They might involve name-calling, ridiculing, or embarrassing the child. This can seriously impact a child's self-esteem. If you communicate the message that your child is bad, stupid, inconsiderate, a disappointment, or a failure, that is how s/he is likely to perceive him/herself, not only during childhood, but for many years thereafter.
Of course, even with "I" messages you are not guaranteed success. Children may disregard the message, particularly when you first begin to make a change to "I" statements. If this happens, repeat your "I" message, maybe saying it in a different way and with greater intensity. Be willing to say something like "This is how I feel, and I do not appreciate having my feelings ignored."
If you have consistently shown yourself to be receptive to and respectful of your child's feelings and thoughts, s/he will probably be more responsive to your own "I" statements. Give it some time. Also, be sensitive to your tone of voice. It should be consistent with your message. Do not let your emotions confuse the message you are trying to convey.
Be as consistent as possible with all your children. Use the same communication approach and style with every child, although the unique aspects of each relationship and each child's temperament may require some flexibility. Do not appear to play favorites or be more accepting of one child over another.
